Camping, ugh.

So, I recently went camping with my husband’s family.  I did not do so well.   You see I was miserable.  Not because of my surroundings, but because of my heart.

I am selfish and I don’t like dirt.  I am easily overwhelmed.  I get caught up in all that could go wrong.  Like a toilet breaking and leaking nasty water into the carpet in the nasty 1970’s camper.  Like a tick.  Or two.  Like not having the right gear.  Like forgetting something, anything, doesn’t matter what.  Like a child falling.  Like fighting with my husband.  Like breaking down.  Like yelling at my kids in front of someone.  Like being seen naked by someone other than Husband.  Like a child needing to go potty at the wrong time.  Like a sunburn.  Like not having a meal.  Like being dirty, hot, and sweaty.  Like losing a paddle in the river.  Like a raft leaking air.  Like a skunk running through the campsite.  Like being completely and utterly out of my element and not having control. Like being a girl at the wrong time of the month.

And all those things happened.  So what?  I’m certainly still alive and so is Husband and so are the little girls and everyone we went with.  Everyone showed me a ton of grace.  I even had a little fun.  I loved rafting.  I loved antiquing.  I loved horseback riding.  I loved 4-wheeler riding with Husband.  I loved the campfire.

So, why all the meltdowns?  I was selfish and wanted things to go my way, my way the whole time, every time, and to win.  When things don’t go my way its easier to melt down than to try and adjust my heart and response.  My way is often more important that the people I’m around and their thoughts, opinions, and feelings.  Ugh.  That’s not pretty folks.  My heart was ugly.  Ugh.  I responded out of that ugliness.  Ugh.  I survived.  I was shown grace.  God still loves me, all-the-time-no-matter-what.  He will change my heart if I’ll ask him.  Sometimes I ask and sometimes I stomp my feet, slam the door, and refuse to even look His way.

He still loves me all-the-time-no-matter-what.   Somehow because of that love my heart is changing.  Even after the fact, I am changed.  I am new.  I am being made new.

Redemption is amazing.  I’ll take it every time over staying where I was…even when it’s hard.  I’ll take that deal.

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Redemption Group – June 2012

I am currently supervising a Redemption Group Immersion at Trailhead Church.

I feel very alone.  And I have for several weeks.  Not that I don’t have a great husband, family, and community.  I do.  I still feel alone.  Is it because I am hiding my own sin and thus alienating myself?  Maybe a little bit.  Is God trying to teach me to rely solely on him?  Maybe a little bit.  Is it because I’m suffering the effects of others sin?  Maybe a little bit.  Whatever the reason, I must still be able to apply the gospel to myself.

I’d rather just feel sorry for myself.  After all, that would let me off the hook of having to pursue relationship with people and be vulnerable when I feel so hurt by them.

Redemption Groups

I invite you to check out Redemption Groups

I first went through a Redemption Group Immersion in June 2011.  And again in August 2011.  And again in January 2012.  And again in June 2012.  I had a different role each time, but was immersed in the gospel each time.

I love how God used Redemption Groups to help me see the Gospel in new ways and to be able to live the Gospel in new ways every day.  Well, every day that I allow it.  Some days, not so much gospel change in my life.  I told you it was messy.