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Balance

Balance.  I am bad at balance.  I tend towards all in or all out.

Lately I feel all out of balance.  I don’t understand how to be content.  Content with where I am…with my marriage, my children, my family, my house, my body, my life, this world  vs. where I want to be.  How do you balance and accept where you are while desiring to be better or have better?  Lets take parenting.  Motherhood.  Ugh.  I spend a lot of time doing it.

So, what happens when I have a “bad” day of parenting, a day where I am lazy, crabby, yell at my girls, don’t pay attention to them, give my time to myself (or others),  make the wrong decision, fight the wrong battle, hurt their feelings, don’t pray with them, don’t teach them, the list really could go on and on, ridiculously long, because I do a lot wrong.  I have bad days.  Should bad days define me?  In my head, I hear “NO”.  In my heart, I live, “YES”.  I beat myself up and feel really bad and hide who I am from God, myself, Chad, and anyone else that I come into contact with, because in my world bad days define me as bad.  And, if I can hide and punish myself then I will have done my penance and then I can go back to God, Chad, or the girls.  Once I feel guilty enough, feel bad enough, beat myself up enough, promise to do more, be better, read more, and promise to be perfect, then I’m ok.  Except that I’m not.  There’s never “enough” punishment.  I can always heap it on more.  It never helps.  I always just feel worse.  And I don’t go back to God, Chad, the girls, or anyone.  I just keep hiding.  Unbalanced.

So, what’s the other option.  Redemption.    This is what I’m learning.  RedemptionInProgress.  I am new.  I am being made new.

The option to go to God first.  To say to him, this is where I am.  I’m having a really bad day and I don’t want to change.  And, to hear him say, I love you.  You are loved and accepted.  And allow the questions to come.  Allow God to ask my heart some questions.  Why am I having a bad day? Why am I yelling at the girls?  Why am I so mad and so frustrated?  Why am I losing my patience with them?  What am I afraid of?  What am I reacting out of?  Where am I hurt?

Honestly, sometimes it’s because I am mad at something or someone else and I take it on the girls by being short with them.  Lame.  That’s really crappy, but true.  Or, I get mad at them, not so much because of their behavior, but because their behavior is making me look bad.  They make me look like a bad parent, so I get overly mad and harsh with them.  I respond to them and to their sin out of the sinfulness of my own heart and I sin in my response.  It’s one big sinful ugly mess over here at the Stuehlmeyer house.

I’m not looking for a pat on the back.  I’m a good mom.  Most days I know that and live in that place.  I’m not a perfect mom.  I’m learning how to be ok with that.  But some days I have a bad day and live in condemnation and punishment from myself.  I want to stop living in that place.  God has freedom and acceptance for me.

You know what, it’s not all tied up.  There’s no pretty little bow.  This isn’t a lesson I’ve learned, mastered, and moved on from now that I can live it perfectly.  It is where I am.  I’m processing it.  I’m moving…some days.  Other days, I have to ask Jesus to change my heart because I simply don’t want to change it.  And can’t.  Only Jesus changes hearts.  Thank goodness.

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Where are you most out of balance?

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2 responses »

  1. This makes me smile…out loud! SO missing our redemption journey in person…so glad you’re sharing it on here.. also, you should look into the book “give them grace” …reading it now.. totally about all this..

    Reply
  2. Remember…a wise woman once told me, “Satan is a liar pants!”

    Reply

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