So, I had a pretty bad week last week. I’ll spare you the gory details, just know that it involved a lot of tears, a lot of sadness, a lot of long hard conversations, and a lot of hard stuff. What do you do when you have a bad week? I’ll tell you what I did. I cried a lot. I asked God a lot of hard questions. I yelled. I was mean and hateful. I was confused. I was concerned. I talked through it all with Husband. I met with my fight club. I prayed and read the Bible. And you know, it was still a really hard crappy week. One of those weeks that it didn’t really matter what I did, it was going to be a hard week. I survived. My family survived. I didn’t get a ton of answers. I did get a ton of grace from God and from the people in my life. I got a lot of prayer, because I asked for it. I asked people to pray for me. I didn’t hide where I was. And that might have been one of the hardest parts of my week. I like to hide my pain and struggles so that people think I have it all together.
** News flash ** I don’t have it all together.
I wish I did. But I don’t. I hate that I sin and hurt people. I hate that I don’t understand why things happen. I hate that I don’t have all the answers. Oh, excuse me, that was prideful SarahFae talking. I know deep down that if I had all the right answers and didn’t sin and understood everything that I would have a lot of responsibility and that only Jesus can handle that. But, still, part of me really wishes that I had it all together. Mostly because I care waaayyyy tooooooo much what people think of me. I can feel God ripping that away from me. It seems that I keep having to learn that dang lesson. What does it matter what people think of me? What does it matter if people judge me? People can’t take away Jesus from me. People can’t define me. People can’t make me do or think things. I’m responsible for my own actions and reactions to people.
Next time I have a bad week, which hopefully won’t be for a reaaaallllllllyyyyyy long time, I hope that I will be in a genuine place. A place to be real with my own sin, my own pain, my own struggle, and my own questions. I want to have genuine conversation and be real with where I am. I’m a human walking around trying to figure this life out. Just like you. Ugh, if only it was easy.