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Monthly Archives: October 2012

More on Yelling

Surprise, I’m a yeller.  Although if you’ve been around for any length of time at all you already know that.  I’ve been trying to work on it and change for years.  You see, I’m a door slammer from way back.  The sad thing is that I don’t really get any better despite all my attempts.  Well, I mean, I feel pretty guilty about it for a while and that gives me enough resolve to “do better” for a few days.  But then, I inevitably yell again and then I feel guilty, because “I had been doing so well”.  Ugh.  That’s church-talk for legalism.  If I can try harder and do better and make some progress then Jesus will be proud and God will love me.   And then when I fail, um yeah, that’s a pretty way of saying SIN, I should feel really guilty and punish myself because I’m a failure.  That usually involves me hiding from God so that I can pretend He doesn’t see who I really am.

Oh wait, yep, that’s actually a lie straight from the pit of hell.  Sorry, Satan, but I’m ratting you out.

God doesn’t care how hard I try or how much better I do.  He doesn’t judge me based on my good days or bad days.  And, I’m pretty glad, because I’m pretty lousy by nature and wouldn’t have a shot in hell, pun intended, of getting God’s grace by my own merit.

You see, when God sees me, he sees the blood of Jesus on the cross that covers all my sin, failures, issues, problems, bad days (good days for that matter because I still sin even on the best of days), and general lousiness.  And it’s gone.  FORGIVEN.  Nothing to earn and nothing to feel guilty about.  Not even my yelling.

I’m gonna go a little RG (Redemption Group) on myself.  Here’s what I processed through the other day.  I have to get to the bottom of this yelling deal.  There is hope for change on this earth, but it takes some work…effort…thought…giving up of the old rotten SarahFae.  If I don’t understand why I yell, what leads me to yelling, and what is underneath the yelling then it’s hard to change.

Yelling makes me feel like I have control.  Like I’m the one in charge.  Like I’m important enough to be listened to.

The thing is, when it comes to H-Banana and L-Bear (where I struggle the most obviously), I already have control.  God gave me control, or better yet, authority.  I’m the mom.  God gave authority to moms and dads.  I don’t have to yell to get the authority, it’s already there.  Yelling doesn’t make them listen better or obey more.  So, why can’t I say it and talk to them in a regular voice, tone, and conversation?  Hm, good question.  Turns out, I can.

I have been catching myself asking myself these questions as I’m in the middle of yelling at them and talking to them.  Sometimes I catch it before I yell.  And sometimes I don’t and I yell.  But, I’m quicker to ask their forgiveness now.  And so, I think that’s grace.  Grace in the wins.  And grace in the losses.  Either way, I’ll take the grace over the guilt any day.  Turns out God isn’t as scary as I thought he was.  He’s not there waiting to yell at me.  You see, that’s what I expected.  I expected God to be waiting there to yell at me when I came to him.  So I hid.  Except that’s not how he works.  Kinda blows my mind a little bit.  This whole grace thing is good.  Hard.  Very hard.  The hardest thing for me really.  I know the truth about who I am.  To think that there’s grace for it all…man, that’s crazy good.  And I’ll take that deal.

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What makes you feel guilty?

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Big Win

Well, not for the cardinals.  😦  But BIG WIN for Hannah & I, and we’ll take the spotlight if you don’t mind.

We went to Michaels in search of this candy.  Of course, it was raining.  Of course, the lines were backed up.  Of course, the candy was at the checkout stand.  Of course, Hannah opens a bag of skittles that she grabbed while I was distracted.  Of course, she spills half the bag all over the floor.  Of course, I hear them ping ping pinging all over the ground.  Of course, everyone looks.

Did I yell?  Of course NOT!!!

ha

So take that.   Of course, I did think about whether everyone was staring at my daughter who opened candy without paying for it and proceeded to spill it all over.  Of course, I did have a reasonable conversation with her about not opening candy without asking (and without paying).  Of course, she apologized three times and was genuinely sorry.  Of course, I felt GREAT about getting to handle things without letting my fear of what others thought about she and I dictate my behavior and response.  Of course, I told her 18 times how proud of us I was.  She didn’t freak out and throw a fit.  She was sorry and handed over the candy.  I didn’t yell.  I had a reasonable conversation with her.  Of course, I am so proud of us.  Big win, I’m telling you.

Of course, I feel great.  Progress.  Seriously, folks, progress is good.  Of course, I’m more grateful for Jesus changing my heart than anything else.  He changed me…I assure you this is something of a miracle…I could not have changed myself.  I’ve been trying for years to change my yelling angry heart with no luck.  I’m pretty glad Jesus did it for me.  Of course, I am GRATEFUL.  Of course, I don’t want to be the yelling mom.  Of course, I want to love my girls well.  Of course, it is possible with Jesus changing my heart.

Of course, I left the skittles all over the floor and didn’t tell the cashier…because I’m pretty sure she heard them hit the ground.  Only one win per day people.

Of course, I yelled the next day.  But you know what?  I made progress.  I’m actually doing better.  I’m actually yelling less.  I’m actually engaging more.  I’m actually caring more.  I’m actually living in a place where progress is possible and there’s grace for setbacks.   Of course, I couldn’t be happier.

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What was your big win this week?

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Other things you might want to know:

-Of course, I ate half the remaining skittles as my reward

-I let her earn back her half of the remaining skittles by picking up the living room and her bedroom

-You should try the Unreal candy that actually started the trip to Michaels

Asking. is. Hard. Work.

I love the fall.  I love seasons.  I love the woodstove that Husband put in.

I do not love pepperoni.  I do not love bugs.  I also do not love feeling inadequate.  I feel that way often.  Like I’ll never measure up.  That people are watching and judging.  I do not love consequences to my hurtfulness.  I do not love the fact that I yell at my children.  Ugh.  It seems like I’m in a rut that I can’t get out.  An exhausted rut that involves me yelling at my children.

I must truly believe that yelling is a good and effective way to coerce someone into doing what I want them to do or believing what I want them to believe.  Apparently yelling is synonymous with obedience.  And so, I yell.  And then I go to a place of shame for yelling at my young children.  They are certainly not innocent, they are usually guilty.  But, what does my yelling do?  It does not accomplish what I want it to accomplish, that is for sure.

What will be the cost of all my yelling and anger?  What will it take for me to really understand the depth of the wounds that I am inflicting?  What will it take for me to stop yelling and talk in a reasonable and kind manner to my children…no matter what the circumstances and no matter how angry I am?

I. do. not. know.

I want to stop, but am I at a place that I am willing to lay down my habits, sins, insecurities, and selfishness.  Will I be humble and ask God to change my heart?  I apparently cannot muster up the strength, confidence, willpower, guilt, or any other tactic to change my heart and stop the yelling and the anger underneath the yells.

WHAT WILL IT TAKE?

I don’t know.  I think it starts with asking God to change my heart.  I think I have to keep asking.  And asking.  And asking.  And believing that he will change me.  And living in a place where I know that I am loved by God and my children and my husband and my family and my friends no matter what.  And more asking.  I think it will take change and progress and setbacks.  I want to change…some days.  Some days it seems like too much work.  I guess that’s why I have to start with asking God to change my heart.

Surely, I can ask.  Remembering to ask will be the tricky part.  (I’ll also have to pray that God will remind me to ask.)  Ugh, this is going to be hard.

Soap and Vaccines

I guess there is always kool-aid to to be drunk (drank?  not an English major here sorry).  The question is which side will you get the kool-aid from?

I am at the beginning of my hippie journey.  I’m asking for your grace and good questions as I seek earnestly to make wise choices for myself and my family.  You may think I’m weird, but as my momma always said, “Everybody’s weird except me and thee and sometimes I wonder about thee.”

Bear with me, here is part of my journey.  I have always had dry skin, basically since I came out of the womb.  I can remember as a little girl itching and scratching til I bled.  My mom used Tide at the time and we finally realized I was allergic.  I haven’t used Tide since then, but have still struggled with dry skin.  I’ve been to the dermatologist since I was in high school for acne and dry skin.  I was diagnosed with Xerosis (dry skin).  I use chap-stick and lotion like a fiend.  I’ve seen several different dermatologists and tried more commercial soaps and lotions and chap-sticks than I can tell you.  I still itched and scratched and basically just kept trying whatever new lotion they suggested.

This past summer my friend was making some soap and I decided to try a bar.  I figured it couldn’t be any worse and at least in the summer I wasn’t quite as dry.  You can imagine my shock when it actually worked.  I was better.  I even managed to stop using lotion on the days that I didn’t shave.  (Shaving still does a number on my skin so I started making lotion to use on those days.)  My husband’s back acne is gone when he uses homemade soaps.

I’ve done some reading and from what I can tell the commercially made soaps have the glycerin removed (to sell separately for more money), but removing the glycerin takes away its skin moisturizing and softening properties.  They use additives and fragrances which also irritate  sensitive skin.  I’m not sure as to the oils and fats they use, I’m going to assume that they are not the high quality skin nourishing kinds because of cost and my own experience.  Whether all that is true or not, I can’t say for sure, but what I do know is that homemade soap has literally done wonders for my skin (and my husbands).

So, I can’t for the life of me figure out why my dermatologist never suggested anything other than the commercially made store bought soaps.  If they are experts in their field and in the corresponding skin related products then why do suggest products that have glycerin removed and other harsh additives included.  It just seems like they maybe don’t know quite as much as we expect them to know.  If they couldn’t help my skin not itch, which was supposed to be their specialty, then what other things do we expect from our doctors that they are not experts in and are not capable of.  I’m pretty sure that they get lotion samples and other medicine samples from pharmaceutical companies wishing to peddle their own products for their own bottom line.  Some of the lotion samples I used simply were horrible, but I continued to see the same samples every time I went.

I guess what I’m saying is that in the end it was my own research and trial and error that gave me the best results.  If I can’t trust my dermatologist to be willing to research and include more than commercially made, mass produced, pharmaceutical pushed products why should other doctors be any different?  Why should I not ask the hard questions about bigger topics, like vaccines?

What if what we’ve been told isn’t correct regarding vaccines?  What if there’s more out there than we know regarding the long-term negative affects of these vaccines?  What makes these doctors and pharmaceutical companies and agencies more trust worthy than my dermatologist?  What if they don’t know best for everyone?  What if?

That’s all I’m asking, what if?  What if we don’t have all the information?  I still have a ton of questions and not a lot of answers.  I know that some vaccines are certainly helpful.  But are all of them necessary?  Do they really need to be given to infants?  I wish there was an easy clear-cut answer.

I also wish that there was no cancer and no other diseases but there are.  We can’t get rid of everything by a shot.  We can’t keep eating the crap that companies want to sell us to make them more money.

I can’t keep using commercially made soap that’s not good for me.  No more itching.  Not for me anyways.  They can keep the kool-aid thank you very much.

Maybe people like me wouldn’t be so mistrusting of vaccines, doctors, companies, agencies, and government if we hadn’t seen more often than not them lying to manipulate people and make more money.  So, whether it’s soap or vaccines, the real problem is that I’ve been manipulated and lied to and now the consequences are that I don’t trust them.

And I certainly don’t want their kool-aid.