I love the fall. I love seasons. I love the woodstove that Husband put in.
I do not love pepperoni. I do not love bugs. I also do not love feeling inadequate. I feel that way often. Like I’ll never measure up. That people are watching and judging. I do not love consequences to my hurtfulness. I do not love the fact that I yell at my children. Ugh. It seems like I’m in a rut that I can’t get out. An exhausted rut that involves me yelling at my children.
I must truly believe that yelling is a good and effective way to coerce someone into doing what I want them to do or believing what I want them to believe. Apparently yelling is synonymous with obedience. And so, I yell. And then I go to a place of shame for yelling at my young children. They are certainly not innocent, they are usually guilty. But, what does my yelling do? It does not accomplish what I want it to accomplish, that is for sure.
What will be the cost of all my yelling and anger? What will it take for me to really understand the depth of the wounds that I am inflicting? What will it take for me to stop yelling and talk in a reasonable and kind manner to my children…no matter what the circumstances and no matter how angry I am?
I. do. not. know.
I want to stop, but am I at a place that I am willing to lay down my habits, sins, insecurities, and selfishness. Will I be humble and ask God to change my heart? I apparently cannot muster up the strength, confidence, willpower, guilt, or any other tactic to change my heart and stop the yelling and the anger underneath the yells.
WHAT WILL IT TAKE?
I don’t know. I think it starts with asking God to change my heart. I think I have to keep asking. And asking. And asking. And believing that he will change me. And living in a place where I know that I am loved by God and my children and my husband and my family and my friends no matter what. And more asking. I think it will take change and progress and setbacks. I want to change…some days. Some days it seems like too much work. I guess that’s why I have to start with asking God to change my heart.
Surely, I can ask. Remembering to ask will be the tricky part. (I’ll also have to pray that God will remind me to ask.) Ugh, this is going to be hard.