More on Yelling

Surprise, I’m a yeller.  Although if you’ve been around for any length of time at all you already know that.  I’ve been trying to work on it and change for years.  You see, I’m a door slammer from way back.  The sad thing is that I don’t really get any better despite all my attempts.  Well, I mean, I feel pretty guilty about it for a while and that gives me enough resolve to “do better” for a few days.  But then, I inevitably yell again and then I feel guilty, because “I had been doing so well”.  Ugh.  That’s church-talk for legalism.  If I can try harder and do better and make some progress then Jesus will be proud and God will love me.   And then when I fail, um yeah, that’s a pretty way of saying SIN, I should feel really guilty and punish myself because I’m a failure.  That usually involves me hiding from God so that I can pretend He doesn’t see who I really am.

Oh wait, yep, that’s actually a lie straight from the pit of hell.  Sorry, Satan, but I’m ratting you out.

God doesn’t care how hard I try or how much better I do.  He doesn’t judge me based on my good days or bad days.  And, I’m pretty glad, because I’m pretty lousy by nature and wouldn’t have a shot in hell, pun intended, of getting God’s grace by my own merit.

You see, when God sees me, he sees the blood of Jesus on the cross that covers all my sin, failures, issues, problems, bad days (good days for that matter because I still sin even on the best of days), and general lousiness.  And it’s gone.  FORGIVEN.  Nothing to earn and nothing to feel guilty about.  Not even my yelling.

I’m gonna go a little RG (Redemption Group) on myself.  Here’s what I processed through the other day.  I have to get to the bottom of this yelling deal.  There is hope for change on this earth, but it takes some work…effort…thought…giving up of the old rotten SarahFae.  If I don’t understand why I yell, what leads me to yelling, and what is underneath the yelling then it’s hard to change.

Yelling makes me feel like I have control.  Like I’m the one in charge.  Like I’m important enough to be listened to.

The thing is, when it comes to H-Banana and L-Bear (where I struggle the most obviously), I already have control.  God gave me control, or better yet, authority.  I’m the mom.  God gave authority to moms and dads.  I don’t have to yell to get the authority, it’s already there.  Yelling doesn’t make them listen better or obey more.  So, why can’t I say it and talk to them in a regular voice, tone, and conversation?  Hm, good question.  Turns out, I can.

I have been catching myself asking myself these questions as I’m in the middle of yelling at them and talking to them.  Sometimes I catch it before I yell.  And sometimes I don’t and I yell.  But, I’m quicker to ask their forgiveness now.  And so, I think that’s grace.  Grace in the wins.  And grace in the losses.  Either way, I’ll take the grace over the guilt any day.  Turns out God isn’t as scary as I thought he was.  He’s not there waiting to yell at me.  You see, that’s what I expected.  I expected God to be waiting there to yell at me when I came to him.  So I hid.  Except that’s not how he works.  Kinda blows my mind a little bit.  This whole grace thing is good.  Hard.  Very hard.  The hardest thing for me really.  I know the truth about who I am.  To think that there’s grace for it all…man, that’s crazy good.  And I’ll take that deal.

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What makes you feel guilty?

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