Ugh. So, I have a sinking feeling that I am totally avoiding dealing with a fairly large topic in my life. A while back I had this feeling, urge, or change of heart, so to speak, that could really only be attributed to one thing. God. So, I, being the wise girl that I am, decided that it would be a good idea to listen to what God was asking me to do and actually obey. So, obeying started. I was excited. I was thrilled. I mean, I was basically waiting for my halo. I mean, afterall, I agreed to God’s plan AND obeyed. But then something really not cool happened. The obeying actually required work. Hard work. And it wasn’t so fun.
Here I am a few months later, still obeying and it’s sure not what I thought it would be. There are no parades, no celebrities, no money, no glory. I wanted glory. I’m not getting that. Instead it’s hard. It’s suffering. I’m even, dare I say, a bit miserable. And so enters the avoiding. I am mad at God. This is not what I signed up for. I’ll just avoid him and that will make it all better.
I was whining and complaining to Husband the other day. He actually had the audacity, mid-rant, to look at me and say, “What, Israel, you don’t like your promised land?” I knew I never should have let him go through Redemption Group.
I responded with a really godly and wise remark. “NO, as a matter of fact, I DON’T!”. “It’s not anything I thought it would be!”
And so the moral to the story is that when God asks us to do something that doesn’t mean it will be easy. It may, in fact, be one of the hardest things you’ve ever had to do. And, that, is where I’m at. Now, I have to figure out how in the world to continue trusting and being in relationship with God when I’m still a little mad at Him. I think it means I need to actually talk to him and read his Word, but I’m not sure I’m there yet.
You see, I’m still whining and crying and sulking and being miserable a little bit. Egypt looks pretty tempting from here. Avoiding him doesn’t seem to be getting me anywhere but good and depressed though.
Ugh. Right back where I started.