What next?

Our options are not great.  We can try the Metformin for a while longer and do a round a Progesterone every 3 months.  Or try Chlomid and continue our quest to get pregnant for the third time.  And by the way, if I could live on that progesterone I totally would.  Taking it made me understand why people do drugs.  It was amazing.  Not sure what it did, but it was lovely.  Those 10 days were a definite bright spot.

The thing is, I was completely miserable and maxed out on my capacity to keep trying.  I felt like we tried and did everything we could do for 6, almost 7, months.  I sincerely tried to make it happen.  I prayed.  I trusted.  I went off all my meds.  I was a good wife.  😉  But I just didn’t think I could do it for another 5 – 6 months.  I was so messed up and miserable and didn’t have the energy or capacity to do the basics with the girls, the house, the business, or Husband.  I wanted so badly to go back on the pill and move forward.

But, how I do balance that with Husband’s disappointment?  How do I balance that with feeling so clearly that we were supposed to try for another baby?  How do we reconcile all this?

What do we do?

I told Chad how I felt.  That my choice would be to go back on the pill and proceed with adoption.  I also told him that ultimately I would do what he felt God asking us to.

He still wanted another baby.  But he understood what it was doing to me.  We said 6 months to a year and it had been that time and no baby.  He was ok for us to move on.

Deep sigh of relief for me.  And sadness for us and for Husband.  I went back to the doctor.

Back on the pill.  Back on my sleep meds.  And thanks to this post, 6 months on an antidepressant while I get things all sorted out.  I had been so depressed, so exhausted, and so hormonally unbalanced that it was overwhelming to think about getting everything in my body and head on a normal cycle again.

Husband just shut down for a couple weeks.  Between the crazy wife, the disappointment, and the stress of everyday life, he just couldn’t process through it and shut down for a bit.

And then I crashed.  I think I thought once I started my meds and once we had made the decision to stop trying that everything in me would be magically fixed.  Well, that was dead wrong.  Whoops.  I felt the shock after my doctor visit and pretty much crashed for a couple days.  Literally all I did for an entire day was lay in bed with the iPad and watch Netflix.  I needed help.  I called my best friend who gave me great wisdom.  And then I called my mom.  She came to the rescue.  She kept the little girls over night so Chad and I could go out and have some time to talk and process through everything.  And then I got a full night of sleep.  With sleep meds.  No kids waking me up, nobody making me get up in the morning.

We were finally starting on a new path.  Change.  And no earthly idea where this path is going.

But, as Pastor Steve asks, do I trust God to write a better story for my life than I would write for myself?

Here’s where the rubber meets the road.


2 thoughts on “What next?

  1. elisabeth

    They say you never truly know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes, read their diary, or allow yourself to get a glimpse in their life. I’ve done all of this in your entry, and I wish I could hug you and let you know that you’re not alone.

    I was diagnosed with clinical depression shortly after my 23rd birthday. It was one of the happiest times of my life–great husband, travelling internationally with said husband, and we were ttc…all was well…WY was I hurting so badly? Why was I wanting to end my life–my wonderful life? I could not keep a viable pregnancy. I would do so well for 4-5 months, and then lose my child. It should have been easy…others got pregnant really easily it seemed. Not me. I wasn’t a tricky case–I was healthy, never did drugs, never drank, and had only been with my husband in that way–contrary to popular belief, I wasn’t promiscuous–my mama and daddy raised me better than that.

    After 3 miscarriages, we were blessed to FINALLY be pregnant. We were SO excited….a baby! I’d always wanted to be a Mom…I never shared that with anyone, but always, always that was in my heart…My baby girl was so precious–she had parents who loved and doted on her…It seemed as though time flew with her in our lives…and just as quickly as we got her, she was gone.

    We could not understand why. At my husband’s urging…we both got genetic testing…and when we found out why our baby died…it was a shock, but also a relief. Tay Sachs. A Eastern-European disease we BOTH were carriers of had taken our baby.

    Finding out that I was a carrier was baffling but not suprising. I knew my Daddy was Jewish–we had grown up living Conservative..but not fully understanding that something that was passed on to me by him was the reason why my child died was HARD. My husband wanted to try again. I said NO. I wanted my children to live. We fought, we were silent, we lived like strangers for a bit in our new home….but eventually, I actively sought help for my depression and for my anxiety. I will be on meds forever…never will I be free of them. I lost my husband a decade ago, and I did eventually get to be a parent to my ex husband’s daughter. I had resigned myself to never having any more children…but G-d sees differently and has told me that I will have one of my own. I don’t wait around for this miracle, but the knowledge of knowing that He is going to grant my desire is a comfort. I applaud you for making some hard choices regarding this, and know that I am praying for you and your family. Thank you again for sharing this, and trust me…this will be between you and I.



    1. Oh my goodness, that sounds incredibly hard and painful. I can’t even imagine all the ups and downs you must have gone through. Thank you for sharing your story with me! It sounds like you must have some great people in your life to help you walk through all that and maintain your faith. Thank goodness for a God who is faithful and steady through it all.


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