Our options are not great. We can try the Metformin for a while longer and do a round a Progesterone every 3 months. Or try Chlomid and continue our quest to get pregnant for the third time. And by the way, if I could live on that progesterone I totally would. Taking it made me understand why people do drugs. It was amazing. Not sure what it did, but it was lovely. Those 10 days were a definite bright spot.
The thing is, I was completely miserable and maxed out on my capacity to keep trying. I felt like we tried and did everything we could do for 6, almost 7, months. I sincerely tried to make it happen. I prayed. I trusted. I went off all my meds. I was a good wife. 😉 But I just didn’t think I could do it for another 5 – 6 months. I was so messed up and miserable and didn’t have the energy or capacity to do the basics with the girls, the house, the business, or Husband. I wanted so badly to go back on the pill and move forward.
But, how I do balance that with Husband’s disappointment? How do I balance that with feeling so clearly that we were supposed to try for another baby? How do we reconcile all this?
What do we do?
I told Chad how I felt. That my choice would be to go back on the pill and proceed with adoption. I also told him that ultimately I would do what he felt God asking us to.
He still wanted another baby. But he understood what it was doing to me. We said 6 months to a year and it had been that time and no baby. He was ok for us to move on.
Deep sigh of relief for me. And sadness for us and for Husband. I went back to the doctor.
Back on the pill. Back on my sleep meds. And thanks to this post, 6 months on an antidepressant while I get things all sorted out. I had been so depressed, so exhausted, and so hormonally unbalanced that it was overwhelming to think about getting everything in my body and head on a normal cycle again.
Husband just shut down for a couple weeks. Between the crazy wife, the disappointment, and the stress of everyday life, he just couldn’t process through it and shut down for a bit.
And then I crashed. I think I thought once I started my meds and once we had made the decision to stop trying that everything in me would be magically fixed. Well, that was dead wrong. Whoops. I felt the shock after my doctor visit and pretty much crashed for a couple days. Literally all I did for an entire day was lay in bed with the iPad and watch Netflix. I needed help. I called my best friend who gave me great wisdom. And then I called my mom. She came to the rescue. She kept the little girls over night so Chad and I could go out and have some time to talk and process through everything. And then I got a full night of sleep. With sleep meds. No kids waking me up, nobody making me get up in the morning.
We were finally starting on a new path. Change. And no earthly idea where this path is going.
But, as Pastor Steve asks, do I trust God to write a better story for my life than I would write for myself?
Here’s where the rubber meets the road.