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On the Edge of Crazy

You know I had a counselor once that said a very wise thing.  It’s something that I have gone back to on multiple occasions.  It doesn’t change my circumstances, it doesn’t fix anything, but it does make me feel a little less crazy.  Are you ready for it?

Paraphrased: You guys are in the hardest season on your lives.  You’re parents of young children, at the bottom of your pay scale (hopefully), running your own business, and away from your family.  You are doing more work now than any other season and more work than most people.  (Her words not mine.)

I mean seriously, anybody else get super tired of waking up thinking, well, once I get out of this bed there will be no stopping.  I will literally have something that needs to be done (and then some) every waking moment that I have.  I will never get caught up.  I will go to bed with the same stuff on my list as the night before and then some.

As I type I look at my disaster of a kitchen and 2 loads of laundry on the bed (unfolded of course), the dryer just dinged, and the washing machine is still running.  Does it ever end?  I’m afraid not.  I’m pretty sure it’s the curse of the earth.  Everything fights against us, including those “sweet” little beings that we birth.  It’s a good thing kids are cute.

I’m a task-oriented extroverted person so maybe this is harder for me than it is for some of you.  Maybe this is me being forced to continue learning the never-ending lesson that people and experiences are more important than perfect, clean, and completion.  In fact, maybe I’ll start retraining my mind (insert sarcasm), “Self, look at it this way, with all the added things to do you get to create more check-lists, you get to check more off, there is more opportunity for organization” (end sarcasm).

I know.  I know.  “Treasure these years.”  “They grow up so fast.”  “They’ll be gone before you know it.”  Blah blah blah.  One painstaking day at a time and it sure doesn’t feel fast.  It feels slower than molasses.

Yes yes I know.  This could be the depression or the hormones talking.  Tomorrow I could quite possibly wake up and regret writing this.  But, truth be told, this represents more than just today.  Now, I don’t always feel so miserable or resent it as much.  And mostly I’m happy to be where I am.  I’m not jumping off a cliff or anything (so family, don’t lose any sleep over this).  But I do get tired.  And I’m guessing this is normal??

Another opportunity to preach the gospel to my own heart.  What in the world does that look like?  Heck if I know.  In my head it sounds like these questions.  Am I putting others’ interests before my own?  Is this bricks with no straw (more on that in a later post or read Redemption).  Has God given me the tools that I need?  Am I alone?  Is God’s story for my life better than the story that I would write for my life?  Also, I spend a lot of time praying what I’m actually feeling and thinking instead of pretending to God that I’m enjoying everything that I have to do or pretending that this is easy.

Practically speaking, I really am trying to retrain my mind.  Which usually sounds like this, “Self, are you going to want to do this later?  Um, no, idiot, I’m not.  Well then, do it now and get it over with.  (little kid mimicking voice) You do it now and get it over with.”  Or it sounds like this, “C’mon, just do it.  Just finish folding this basket.  Just finish one more thing.  Just look at this 12 inches.  Now, just look at this 12 inches.”  Or “OTIO.  Only.Touch.It.Once.  C’mon don’t move it, put it away.  OTIO.”  Also you should know that in my head it sounds like Oh-Teeeee-Oh.

End rant.  Sorry everyone.  That’s what today felt like.  Thank goodness my momma is coming in the morning!

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Any other moms of young kids feel crazy like me?

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10 responses »

  1. I feel crazy too. And tired. I feel like often I am reading my own thoughts in your blog. And like you, so thankful that my mom is often my saving grace. 🙂

    Reply
  2. I understand that completely and surely it is normal, it is sooooo tiring raising kids and being away from family and blah blah blah!! I have been reading “Loving the LIttle Years; Motherhood in the Trenches” and it is amazing about all of this stuff we are dealing with as parents of toddlers!! And it is short… because we both know we don’t have a lot of time to read these days:) Enjoy today because your mom is coming tomorrow!!!

    Reply
    • I will have to try and pick up that book…it sounds perfect! I definitely like short. Shoot…at least my family is within driving distance. Thanks for the gentle reminder that away from family is relative. Hope you guys are doing well!

      Reply
  3. I can’t wait to see you all! And I don’t care if your laundry isn’t folded, the dishes are dirty, or the kitchen floor needs mopped–in fact I’ll take care of that stuff and you can take a nap if you want! Remember–I’m coming to see YOU and those precious girls you birthed–and Chad!!

    Reply
  4. I think the people who tell you to treasure the little years either forgot how hard it is, had lots of help, had one easy child or all of the above. And it IS a good thing they’re so cute…

    Reply
  5. Sarah I remember when you was one very cute little girl and now you are growen up cute Mommy to two cute girls I guess it runs in the family. Love you

    Reply
  6. It’s so funny how your blogs frequently sound exactly like what goes on in my head. If it’s any encouragement that others feel the way you do, then count me in. But, I know that doesn’t make either of our lives any easier. I recently had a wake-up call from my husband (or from God through my hubby) that has been fueling me for a while, and by a while, I mean a few days. =) I’m hoping it will stick.

    Reply
  7. Emily Griffith

    Sarah, I came across your blog today and I too can relate. Sometimes I think about how beneficial it would have been if i would have had more training in being a God-fearing wife and mom!! So much comes to mind on this topic. Casey and I often joke about what great “refining fires” our spouses and children are. 🙂 Motherhood is such a tool for sanctification. At times, it has felt as though my flesh is actually being ripped off, one bit at a time, as I give more of my wants, time, body, etc. to this thing called motherhood. Ultimately, I think of it as a test of faith. Believing the Gospel today and how it is to work out in all spheres of my life. I fight the good fight daily, (1Tim6:11-12) especially in my mind & attitudes. It is hard when the world says do what feels right, pursue your passions, look out for yourself, You deserve it….me.me.me.I.I.I I pray that God will help me love my children with His love. titus2:4, 1jn4, jn13:35 gal6:9 I’ll pray that for you too! 🙂 Heb10:25

    Reply
  8. Sharing your honest struggles is a part of that gospel preaching…just make sure you are going to god with all of this and not just expecting him to read your blog.. I feel as blah as you about it some days .. And pray that god restores your joy and purpose in this hard phase…

    Reply

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