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Hi, I’m Still Alive.

Just in case you were wondering.

What have I been doing?  Oh, you know, a little bit of this and that.  Mostly driving myself crazier and crazier.  I’m sure my family thinks that I have gone totally cray cray.   I am a little bit up and down.  And by a little bit, I mean A LOT.

It took one thing to totally take me by surprise and throw me off my rocker.  Not sure if it was that one thing hitting deeper than I realized or the hormones or maybe both.  Anyways, not too happy with God lately for these blasted hormones.  I mean, I know he made women to have hormones and be up and down, but seriously.  I kinda envy the men folk (or at least Husband and several other men I know) for being all even keel and steady and such.  (Well, I only envy them until I get really excited or angry and want a reaction from them and then suddenly I’m infuriated by their steadiness.  I mean, c’mon, a little emotion please.)  The joke is that I married Mr. Grace.  And let me tell you, it’s a darn good thing I did.  I sure did need that grace last week, and yesterday, and today, and probably tomorrow too.

Anyways, so I’m still learning how to drift on these emotional tides.  This time what I did was just quit.  I mean not in a bad way, but I gave up trying to keep up with the dishes and the laundry and keeping my house all together.  I gave trying to be a perfect mom, ha, like that’s going to happen anyways, and I gave myself some space.  The girls got a little introduction to the cray cray tides of mommy.  You know, where one minute you’re screaming at them and the next you’re making their day by taking them to McDonalds and the park.  Yep, we ate McDonalds.   That’s when you know it’s bad.  When you’ll take them to McDonalds so you don’t have to fix a PB&J.  By the way, one of my least favorite things to do in life is make PB&J sandwiches.  Ridiculous, I know, it’s not like its rocket science but I’ll do a lot to get out of making one, case in point McDonalds.

When the swings of emotion (depression, hormonal, or life) hit I’m learning to just ride it.  I might as well just feel it rather than pretend I’m not totally swinging from the chandelier and stuff.   And if we were fancy enough to have a chandelier I might have literally swung from it last week just to get a break.  I’m trying not to yell (well, not as much as I really want to) even when things totally drive me nuts or when I’m livid.  I’m trying not to be hateful, demeaning, and condemning when I talk to the girls.  I’m trying to just tell them that I’m sad or that I my heart hurts and it makes me grouchy and that I’m sorry.  Because one day (like tomorrow) they’re going to have these crazy emotions too and I want them to know that it’s ok to have bad days, grouchy days, sad days, and that there is love and grace and acceptance on those days too.

I’m learning that no matter what causes the down swing of emotions, that I am not in control, but thankfully I know the one who is.  And He’s big enough to hear my complaints and begging for things to change.  He’s also big enough not to be swayed by my crazy swings of emotion.

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