Where have I been? ha I’ve been in the pit. It seems I’m always on the verge of dropping over the cliff of despair. Always dangling over and not ready to fully give up but not really having any hope either.
I’ve been trying really hard to convince myself to have hope for change. But truth be told, I have no hope. This whole poly-cystic ovarian syndrome crap has really worked a number on me. I can honestly say that my hormones are all jacked up. I’ve been on two different kinds of birth control and they’re both not working. And not only are they not working, but their added side effects are driving me more crazy. So, I’ve been one crazy crabby mess.
I started working out again and that seems to make a difference. I keep getting out and doing things and being around people because I know that its worthwhile to do those things and being around other messed up people makes me feel a tad more normal than I usually feel.
I got to go out of town by myself yesterday for a Tupperware party. I know, I know, I know. Tupperware?!? But you know, I feel like it’s almost a gift God has given me for right now. I genuinely love Tupperware. It has helped organize my kitchen, given me cool stuff, meet some new people, and I get to do it for me. It has actually been a small glimmer of light in the dark months. And on my way yesterday to my sister-in-laws house I got to listen to two sermons. Must have been the Holy Spirit, because I’ve pretty much been avoiding God.
Not that I don’t like God or believe in Him. And not that I don’t have the hope of heaven, I do. But I’ve lost all hope of this earth. The crime, the sickness, the vileness of commercials, music, movies, ads, clothing, and the like is enough to knock me off kilter. I am so disgusted by and fearful of this world we live in and raising two daughters in it. Ugh, overwhelming. I see the truth of the sin and where this world is at and where it’s heading and it numbs me into throwing my hands up and wanting to waive the white flag. I’ve tried to see the good, I’ve tried to make myself hope, but to no avail.
Between the hormones, the meds, the sin of the world and those around me, I’ve been paralyzed with no hope.
So back to yesterday, I listened to two sermons in the car, by myself, with no interruptions and it was glorious! Here are the links.
And then I got up this morning and this was in my YouVersion reading.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believe, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” Romans 15:13
I mean, did you read that??? God must seriously be chuckling at me. This whole time I thought I had to make myself have hope and it hasn’t been working. Ironically the only thing my attempts seemed to bring were more anxiety. I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted. I start new meds today and God has given me a verse that teaches me how to have hope. Amazing. Only the power of the Holy Spirit. NOT the power of SarahFae. Noted, because that clearly wasn’t working.
I am committing to memorizing this verse. Feel free to ask me about it. God also gave me this verse a while back.
2 Chronicles 20:12 “…We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.”
It even rhymes! I mean seriously, I do not know what to do a lot.
So, there’s an update on my journey. Still riding the waves of these blasted hormones. Still trying to sort out life on this earth.