Yep, I’m a quitter. Pretty sure I came out of the womb that way too. When it comes to fight or flight, I’m flight all the way. When I was little, my mom, trying to do the right “mom” thing, made me eat peas for dinner. I tried to tell her that I didn’t like them, but she didn’t believe me. So you know what I did? Yep, puked right at the table (or at least that’s how I remember the story). I was going to quit eating those blasted peas one way or another apparently. And to her credit, she never made me eat another pea. I still don’t eat peas. Parents, let that be a lesson to you. Sometimes, kids just really don’t like whatever that good-for-you-food is, no matter how healthy or how much you like it. Well, that was a rabbit trail.
Moving right along. I’ll pass right out at the doctor, dentist, hospital, or even just talking about medical related things. The first time that happened was at the dentist when I was in 4th grade and it was a tad bit shocking. Yep, I want out.
You can ask my little brother what he thinks about me being a quitter. When we were little he used to refuse to play board games with me. I would beg and beg and he would tell me no because I always quit. I would beg and promise not to quit. He would eventually give in and I would eventually quit. I don’t know how that happened.
I don’t like tense books, movies, situations, conversations. I just want out.
I recently realized that this is impacting in ways that I didn’t anticipate. I often verbally threaten to quit things, from relationships to the current quilt project or food choices or running or keeping my long hair. I’m an equal opportunity quitter from big things to small things. Things get hard, tricky, awkward, stupid, etc., and, let’s be honest (I will forever hear that as lesbi-honest, thanks, fat Amy), I’m probably just gonna quit. What I’ve discovered is that I usually don’t end up actually quitting, I just need to threaten it.
If I step back and look at things, I think it has more to do with needing to be heard or needing someone to acknowledge the struggle. I am usually looking for affirmation that I’m right (imagine that) or affirmation that the situation or topic or relationship or item is legitimately difficult.
Well, now that I recognize this (thanks to my redemption group style processing), it should help me in conversations and situations, especially with my poor husband who usually gets caught in my verbal fire storm. If I can go into a conversation or situation knowing that I’m looking for affirmation and not necessarily to quit (or to fight) then I have the potential to change the whole dynamic (internally and externally). Knowing that I’m looking to be heard and acknowledged is an important distinction. I mean, I’d really like to have both…being heard and being right, but whatever.
And to my credit, I have had the same car for 8 1/2 years. I’ve been married for 9 1/2 years. I’ve had many of the same best friends since college. I’m still raising my girls, despite wanting to quit many times. Sleep and peace are awfully enticing, folks.
I don’t always quit. I am not a quitter. I am new. I am being made new.
What makes you want to quit?