And It Turns Out That Some Days Don’t Suck And Sometimes People Don’t Either

It stopped me in my tracks tonight.  I feel loved.  Absolutely loved by the God of the universe.  That’s crazy talk.  Kairos moment.

The anxiety has subsided.  I’ve been able to listen more.  I’ve been reading my Bible app.  And, who knew…if you actually read the Bible on a fairly consistent basis, it actually works.  I mean, for real.  I actually hear more of God.  I’m able to see Him working…around me and in me.  I, mean, it’s like it does what He said it would do.  I know, I know, I can tell you all the live long day, but you won’t believe it til you do it yourself.  And the thing is…the ball is in your court.  You have to actually do it.  Read it.  Open the book or the app, your choice.  And, He’ll help you.  For reals. (And add me on your YouVersion…it’s like facebook with Jesus and Bible verses.)

Anyways, all that to say, tonight I got it.  Over the last few days when I should have “gotten in trouble”, in my opinion, instead I saw love.  I mean, unconditional love from God, from people, actual gifts from people…2 books I’ve been dying to have!  Good conversations (my love language) and lovely laughs and what we like to say in church talk…good community.

Thank goodness for Jesus and his people.

I know that the giver of good gifts showed up in my life…through His word, life, and his people.  And, you guys, it.was.awesome.

I wish I could bottle this up and give it to you.  And also that I could keep it for myself for the next time I’m all anxiety ridden having a panic attack, but I don’t think it works that way.  Because then, lets be honest, we’d all get greedy and hoard it and keep it just for ourselves.

But this is when the rubber hits the road, folks.  This is when I get all stupid.  #igotthis #iamawesome #idonotneedgodoranyone  #imakethingshappen #iwin

And then I slowly stop needing God.  And I stop reading my Bible app.

This is when I do what I do.  I start doing my deal and living out of my goodness.  I start living like I’m doing all the great things and wanting people to think I’m all great so then God sees and He’ll think I’m all great because the people think I’m all great.  Except all the people don’t, apparently, think I’m great.  And also, apparently, that’s not why God thinks I’m great.  I keep doing it backwards.  And I start feeling all the pressure.  And I start down a path that I don’t really like…with panic attacks and yelling and worry and a lot of hateful words and stressful nights.

So, today…I am going to engage.  Keep engaging God, his word, and his people.  And carpe diem the best moments…being thankful for the kairos moments that I get.  (google momastery for the story)  I’m going to be grateful.  I’m going to be loved and live out of that.  Because my backwards way…really sucks.

To those of you in my life…thank you.  I love my people.  #mypeoplearethebest  #andsoismyjesus

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My Carpe Kairos Moment

Sunday afternoon we had a lovely wedding reception for my cousin and his new bride.  It was awesome and purple.  They let me decorate and I pretty much love them for it.  It was all burlap and lace and purple and lovely and delicious.  They didn’t put me in charge of food though, that was all the power of my lovely Aunt.  She makes the best punch.  And rice krispie treats.  And pretty much everything.

We had a fabulous time and the girls got to play with their cousins, which is pretty much the best day ever for them.  I mean, the reason they don’t want to move to Mt. Vernon is because we’ll be farther from their cousins.  That’s how they base their decisions.

Hannah had a little accident at one point and fell over backwards while playing and got a little knocked out.  I panicked, of course.  Chad stayed calm, of course.  (Note: She was fine and started getting better though out the afternoon and evening.)  It was finally time to head home…there were tears, leaving the cousins always invokes tears.  We drove like 5 miles and stopped to get gas.  Leah needs to go to the bathroom and wouldn’t you know…throws up…a lot.  Ugh.

So we get her cleaned up and head out of town.  5 more miles…and more puking…but not in a restroom this time.  (Ironically Hannah had just asked me if being a mom was hard.  Go figure.)  We turn around back to my moms and she’s asleep by the time we get there, of course.  Anyways I take her in and get her cleaned up and then we head back home.  About an hour in to the trip…yep, more puking…again, not in a restroom.

You know what that means for mom…laundry…lots of laundry.  One of the innocent victims was the husky puppy stuffed animal.  So, he got washed, folks.

And then, walking by my washing machine, I had a carpe kairos moment …

He, apparently, wanted out.
He, apparently, wanted out.

Too Many Trees

There are many seasons to life.  Many twists, turns, uphills, and downhills on the road of life.  I’ve been reading different blogs lately that remind me that it’s not so much of a road as it is a path.  Roads are nice.  They’re paved and smooth.  They’re organized with lines dictating which lane you’re in and which direction you should go.  They have markers to tell you how far you’ve gone.  They have signs letting you know the rules and what’s coming ahead.  Life…not like that at all.  At all.  It’s much more of a path, mostly unmarked, rough terrain, tumultuous, hard work, and really unplanned.  I like planned!  I like rules!  I like knowing where I’m going!  Stupid path.

Well, I’m off the road that’s for certain.  I seem to be wandering along wondering where the road went.  I guess it’s a mirage.  I keep thinking I see it up ahead and it keeps disappearing.  All I see is this blasted path.

All that mumbo-jumbo to tell you all that I’m on a stretch of the path that is apparently lined with trees on both sides as far as I can see…because I sure can’t see where I’m going.  I keep thinking that I’ll reach a clearing soon.  It’s already been a long time with hurt, pain, change, and disappointments.  Myself, my marriage, my kids, my family, my friends…so much hurt and disappointment lately.  It seems every time I turn around there’s more hurt.  And there’s no clearing in sight. *sigh*

I can’t hardly focus anymore.  I feel the anxiety and depression seeping back in.  It’s hard to breath.  It’s hard to sleep.  It’s hard to just get through the day.  Shoot, even the girls having a bad day at school feels unmanageable these days.  Things aren’t as I would have them to be.

I know there are lessons to be learned.  Joy to be had.  Grace to be received.  Grace to be given.  Comfort to be received.  Comfort to be given.  Sometimes I learn them.  And, guys, sometimes I throw a little temper tantrum.

How exactly do we get through these stretches of “path”?  I’m not sure it’s even a path at this point.  Maybe just a little scuff in the dirt is all.  Next to all the trees.  Where’s the prairie already?  Or a mountain?  Or something beautiful…a stream or something glorious?

Maybe…I hear God whisper…look out your window…step outside.  Maybe the glorious is found at the creek at the end of your yard…you know, with the old toilets and mini-blinds and wheels floating around.  But, it’s also full of happy children.  Splashing around, catch crawdads, throwing rocks…being kids and reminding me that we can love life…in the creek.  It’s ok if there’s an old toilet or some hub caps laying around.  The ugly things don’t have to stop us from being with friends and enjoying where we’re at.  The undone house and sleep deprived nights and painful moments don’t have to be all there is. They can just lay there off to the side as a friend stops by or as we put a care package together for a friend of a friend who’s in the hospital.  They don’t have to take all the attention.  They don’t have to steal the day or define all the moments.

I read this most enlightening blog post by Momastery.  Carpe diem sucks.  I don’t want to seize the day…at least not every moment of all the days.  Some of those moments suck and I don’t want them.  But, I can carpe kairos…I can seize some of the moments and treasure them.  I can pause and enjoy the moment and love the little bit of life/grace/hope/love/joy/laughter that I’ve just caught.  It’s these carpe kairos moments that I can find even in the midst of pain and despair.  I can seize these magical moments and be reminded of the grace and hope and joy that are always there…just waiting for me to grab them.  Though, truth be told, some days it’s much harder than others.

I’m still hoping for a clearing soon.  But until it comes, I’ll be grateful for the creek and I’ll catch my carpe kairos moments as they come.

As always, thank you for reading the ramblings of SarahFae as I sort though life and understand how the Gospel has redeemed and is redeeming me.

PS (I hate laying vs lying, lay vs lie.  And don’t bother trying to correct my usage of it.  I’ll never understand it so I simply don’t care.  Also, if most other people get it wrong then I’m ok also being wrong in this case because most people won’t notice it.  I’m over it.  Who made up this language anyways??)

And sometimes there's a tree in the creek.  Literally.  And sometimes there's a chainsaw in the creek.  And that's always better than a husband in the creek.
And sometimes there’s a tree in the creek. Literally. And sometimes there’s a chainsaw in the creek. (And that’s always better than a husband in the creek.)