There are many seasons to life. Many twists, turns, uphills, and downhills on the road of life. I’ve been reading different blogs lately that remind me that it’s not so much of a road as it is a path. Roads are nice. They’re paved and smooth. They’re organized with lines dictating which lane you’re in and which direction you should go. They have markers to tell you how far you’ve gone. They have signs letting you know the rules and what’s coming ahead. Life…not like that at all. At all. It’s much more of a path, mostly unmarked, rough terrain, tumultuous, hard work, and really unplanned. I like planned! I like rules! I like knowing where I’m going! Stupid path.
Well, I’m off the road that’s for certain. I seem to be wandering along wondering where the road went. I guess it’s a mirage. I keep thinking I see it up ahead and it keeps disappearing. All I see is this blasted path.
All that mumbo-jumbo to tell you all that I’m on a stretch of the path that is apparently lined with trees on both sides as far as I can see…because I sure can’t see where I’m going. I keep thinking that I’ll reach a clearing soon. It’s already been a long time with hurt, pain, change, and disappointments. Myself, my marriage, my kids, my family, my friends…so much hurt and disappointment lately. It seems every time I turn around there’s more hurt. And there’s no clearing in sight. *sigh*
I can’t hardly focus anymore. I feel the anxiety and depression seeping back in. It’s hard to breath. It’s hard to sleep. It’s hard to just get through the day. Shoot, even the girls having a bad day at school feels unmanageable these days. Things aren’t as I would have them to be.
I know there are lessons to be learned. Joy to be had. Grace to be received. Grace to be given. Comfort to be received. Comfort to be given. Sometimes I learn them. And, guys, sometimes I throw a little temper tantrum.
How exactly do we get through these stretches of “path”? I’m not sure it’s even a path at this point. Maybe just a little scuff in the dirt is all. Next to all the trees. Where’s the prairie already? Or a mountain? Or something beautiful…a stream or something glorious?
Maybe…I hear God whisper…look out your window…step outside. Maybe the glorious is found at the creek at the end of your yard…you know, with the old toilets and mini-blinds and wheels floating around. But, it’s also full of happy children. Splashing around, catch crawdads, throwing rocks…being kids and reminding me that we can love life…in the creek. It’s ok if there’s an old toilet or some hub caps laying around. The ugly things don’t have to stop us from being with friends and enjoying where we’re at. The undone house and sleep deprived nights and painful moments don’t have to be all there is. They can just lay there off to the side as a friend stops by or as we put a care package together for a friend of a friend who’s in the hospital. They don’t have to take all the attention. They don’t have to steal the day or define all the moments.
I read this most enlightening blog post by Momastery. Carpe diem sucks. I don’t want to seize the day…at least not every moment of all the days. Some of those moments suck and I don’t want them. But, I can carpe kairos…I can seize some of the moments and treasure them. I can pause and enjoy the moment and love the little bit of life/grace/hope/love/joy/laughter that I’ve just caught. It’s these carpe kairos moments that I can find even in the midst of pain and despair. I can seize these magical moments and be reminded of the grace and hope and joy that are always there…just waiting for me to grab them. Though, truth be told, some days it’s much harder than others.
I’m still hoping for a clearing soon. But until it comes, I’ll be grateful for the creek and I’ll catch my carpe kairos moments as they come.
As always, thank you for reading the ramblings of SarahFae as I sort though life and understand how the Gospel has redeemed and is redeeming me.
PS (I hate laying vs lying, lay vs lie. And don’t bother trying to correct my usage of it. I’ll never understand it so I simply don’t care. Also, if most other people get it wrong then I’m ok also being wrong in this case because most people won’t notice it. I’m over it. Who made up this language anyways??)